Adam Ai : part four

When you require renewal, is there a particular poem or book that you return to? A particular author?

My own poems, usually. Although this year I discovered Jericho Brown’s poem Duplex after I heard on Twitter about his Pulitzer prize win, along with a handful of other modern poets and that’s been big for me. A real education. So much is possible. Even coming from dark places it’s possible to carry light and shed it into the world, maybe even in places it’s needed.

When I need to get away from poems I get far away as I can and don’t read anything at all. When I write I write hard and overwrite and I’m long-winded anyway so I exhaust myself with it – I’ll do something else then that I enjoy and can focus on when I need a breather – painting usually. It’s the only other pursuit I can happily lose hours doing. I also find it centering, in a way that comforts me. I would recommend it to anyone writing poems. I’m learning conscientiousness, patience, and attention to detail in a way I never had, not to mention the joy of color and of just getting paint all over your hands like a kid. It’s really lovely. I tend to extremes and have always had trouble handling emotion. I’m moody and mercurial. Anti-social and sensitive. But I’m starting to find that I’m okay despite all that. Another blessing of finally taking a chance on publishing. If there’s anyone out there hesitating – stop it. Rejections don’t hurt as bad as you think. After losing mom I don’t feel much about them anyway. When they say no but ask to see more during the next reading period I give them a mental hug and put them on a list. I hope I can get submissions to that list some day! Time is such a factor. There are many more literary magazines than I ever imagined and submitting a poem to every one of them is taking some time. I don’t even know why that’s the goal. The amount I don’t know about poems is more evident daily. I love it – I’ve learned more this year than any other in my life.

The only other thing that snaps my head into place seems to be getting my ass kicked but one way or the other I’ll take it. I’d prefer to avoid taking the hits I do but that’s just how it is for me. Sometimes it’s all that works. Hard-headed, you know.

When I was younger I would have rattled off a list of poets, back when I thought I had a lot to say (but nobody was asking me for interviews, then. I had a lot to say – but maybe it wasn’t anything anyone needed to hear.) I try to keep young Adam’s voice in check around here these days. Still you’ll note this answer just got long too. They get away quick.

Because it’s the poems that save me. What they’re giving me now, I don’t even feel I deserve. It’s so much. The growth I’ve had just this year is astonishing and I’m losing touch with old poems daily because of it but happily. It’s making me better. It quiets the ghosts. I’ve been haunted so long the ghosts and I are more long-time associates, rather than having your usual haunter-hauntee relationship. I think the dead are learning too.

Or so I pray.